Monday, June 19, 2017

The Onion Sums Up the Fall of Men

‘This Here Is Probably Our Bestselling Love Seat,’ Says Man Who Would Have Been Powerful, Revered Warrior 4,000 Years Ago


G. Verloren said...

Loads of nonsense, which is kind of the point, but still, they should get their facts a bit better squared away.

First off, 4000 years ago he wouldn't have had that "height and strong build". People only get to be his size and strength in the modern day because of vastly better diets and genetics.

Secondly, in all likelihood, he would be a poorly nourished slave or perhaps peasant-level grunt toiling in the fields or breaking his back in a mine, in the service of his local chieftain or king. The rich men he served might be somewhat taller and straighter than him, because they could afford to eat better and wouldn't spend their days stooped over in hard labor.

If he went to war, he'd most likely have been a mass conscript given a cheap helmet and a spear, to act as fodder in battles while the dedicated martial elites of his society did the heavy fighting. Or possibly he'd be a decently treated mercenary or low level retainer if he was lucky enough. Maybe he could even lead his own small warband, if he did particularly well. But unless he was phenomenally successful, he would have nowhere near the resources to lead "hundreds of fanatically loyal soldiers into battle", because doing so requires being able to feed, shelter, and arm those hundreds of people.

Honestly, I simply can't wait till people collectively get over glorifying the "macho" men of the past, and the horrific, brutish lives they led.

"Oh man, I hate living in the modern age selling furniture. If only I could have lived 4000 years ago! Can you imagine the glory? No medicine? No sanitation? No air conditioning? Eatting the same extremely limited diet your entire life? Rampant violence and constant warfare? The vast majority suffering unspeakable cruelty at the hands of the powerful and corrupt few? Possibly being literally owned as property? Laws being arbitrary, draconian, and unevenly enforced? Justice being virtually non-existant? People not letting themselves get emotionally attached to children, because most don't live to adulthood? Marriage virtually never being for love? Rape being an accepted norm? Life expectancy being 26 years? Gee, if only! We modern humans sure are pathetic wimps! If I want to be a "real man" like my mythical ancesters, I'd better keep romanticize senseless human suffering and rationalize away the absurdity of my power fantasies and the undeniable fact that my modern life is objectively better in basically every way than my idiotic macho delusions.

Anonymous said...

These aren't facts. These are the imaginings of today's Walter Mitty. They don't have to be accurate.